How is it that I’m still struggling to find meaning in my life?  For so long, I’ve felt that it was just around the corner… when I finish my education, pass my exam, get the right apartment, get my degree, get that job, lose 20 pounds…. then my life will have meaning.  But when I achieve those things, they are empty.  Oh yes, our social structure seems to value them, but all of that is a lie on a personal level!  For me it’s a lie, and it only fosters a new sense of longing and hopelessness!

What worries me is that, maybe moving into my van is just another futile attempt to find meaning.   I don’t really know.  But it’s not so much that I expect to find meaning in moving into, and living in a van, but that I am hoping to eliminate all the trappings of false meaning by abandoning what convention tells me I need in order to live a valuable life.  My life, all by itself, is inherently valuable, because human existence is valuable!   But value isn’t meaning necessarily.

Here is what I do know… having an apartment doesn’t give my life meaning.  Having the stuff that fills up my apartment doesn’t give my life meaning.  My job doesn’t give my life meaning.  I now work 40 hours a week at a job that has no meaning, so that I can keep making money to pay for an apartment that has no meaning, in which I can accumulate stuff that has no meaning.  It’s worse than having no meaning, because it is a living tomb.  I am metaphorically buried in my stuff, and imprisoned in the walls of my apartment!

It may be that I continue to experience meaninglessness while living in a van.  But I do know this:  I do find value in traveling.  Traveling is the one thing that I thoroughly enjoy in my life.  I long for it!  And when I do it, I mourn its passing when it’s over, and my routine life takes over my consciousness once again.  I know that people have to have money to live.  It’s the way the world works.  So for a little while longer I have to work.  I have to feed myself and pay for my van registration etc.  It also costs money to do the thing that ultimately has meaning for me.  I don’t see any reason AT ALL why I should pay my earned money to rent instead of paying for travel.  Now that that option has become a reality for me, I don’t see any more reasonable path!

 

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