How is it that I’m still struggling to find meaning in my life? For so long, I’ve felt that it was just around the corner… when I finish my education, pass my exam, get the right apartment, get my degree, get that job, lose 20 pounds…. then my life will have meaning. But when I achieve those things, they are empty. Oh yes, our social structure seems to value them, but all of that is a lie on a personal level! For me it’s a lie, and it only fosters a new sense of longing and hopelessness!
What worries me is that, maybe moving into my van is just another futile attempt to find meaning. I don’t really know. But it’s not so much that I expect to find meaning in moving into, and living in a van, but that I am hoping to eliminate all the trappings of false meaning by abandoning what convention tells me I need in order to live a valuable life. My life, all by itself, is inherently valuable, because human existence is valuable! But value isn’t meaning necessarily.
Here is what I do know… having an apartment doesn’t give my life meaning. Having the stuff that fills up my apartment doesn’t give my life meaning. My job doesn’t give my life meaning. I now work 40 hours a week at a job that has no meaning, so that I can keep making money to pay for an apartment that has no meaning, in which I can accumulate stuff that has no meaning. It’s worse than having no meaning, because it is a living tomb. I am metaphorically buried in my stuff, and imprisoned in the walls of my apartment!
It may be that I continue to experience meaninglessness while living in a van. But I do know this: I do find value in traveling. Traveling is the one thing that I thoroughly enjoy in my life. I long for it! And when I do it, I mourn its passing when it’s over, and my routine life takes over my consciousness once again. I know that people have to have money to live. It’s the way the world works. So for a little while longer I have to work. I have to feed myself and pay for my van registration etc. It also costs money to do the thing that ultimately has meaning for me. I don’t see any reason AT ALL why I should pay my earned money to rent instead of paying for travel. Now that that option has become a reality for me, I don’t see any more reasonable path!